How To Talk To Children About Gender

Why Does Gender Matter to Children?

From a young age, children are already starting to figure out what gender means to them, just by observing the world. They are also learning how life is different for people depending on their gender – a young girl may see the boys in her class getting the chance to play rugby when she has to play netball, or a young boy will watch girls playing with dolls while he only has cars and dinosaurs at home.

At some point in their lives, they are also likely to meet or hear about someone who is trans or non-binary. They will need to know what that means, and how to be kind and respectful to trans people. They may even be trans themselves, so giving them the language to talk about their gender is really important because it will help them feel more confident and comfortable talking to you about their identity.

The Story of Alien Nation

The story of Alien Nation was created by the young people of The Proud Trust, to help explain the concepts of gender stereotypes and identity to children. It tells the story of a group of aliens who feel unhappy after being sent to live on either “Planet Boy” or “Planet Girl”. The aliens first try ripping up the planets’ rules, which helps some aliens. However, some other aliens still feel like they belong on a different planet.

Children are able to see the parallels between this story and real life, in which trans people are not people who want to wear different clothes, or break particular rules (they can do that anyway), but people whose true gender is different to the one they were assigned at birth, or who feel like they “belong” to a different gender.

Buy the Alien Nation book here and watch the animated film below!

If you would prefer to watch the film without the background music, click here.

a pink cat under a pink tree and a blue dog under a blue tree to illustrate gender differences

Say No To Stereotypes!

Children are told from an early age which gender box they belong in, which clothes they are expected to wear, the colours they are expected to like and the toys they are supposed to play with. Ask your child what rules they think they have to follow and whether they think those rules are fair.

In the story Alien Nation, the aliens decide to rip up the rules. This means that whether they live on Planet Girl or Planet Boy, aliens can wear what they like and be who they want to be. Would your child rip up the rule book too?

What Is Gender Anyway?!

a baby alien wrapped in a yellow blanket - children's identity is assigned at birth — Gender
With babies, we usually assign a gender at birth by looking at their bodies. We declare “It’s a boy!” or “It’s a girl!” - but sometimes just looking at a baby’s body isn’t enough to tell you what their gender is.

a smiling trans alien wearing an orange dress — Trans
A trans person is someone whose gender is different to the gender they were assigned at birth. They feel like they belong in a gender different to the one they were given when they were born.

a smiling cis alien wearing a pink dress — Cis
Cis is the opposite of trans. A person whose gender is the same as the one they were assigned at birth. They feel like they belong in the gender they were given.

a smiling non-binary alien wearing a shirt and tie — Non-binary
Non-binary is a word used by people who don’t feel like they are a boy or a girl, or who feel like both. Non-binary people often use the word trans as their gender is also different to the one they were given at birth.

Supporting A Child Who Has Questions About Their Gender

When we have positive conversations with young people about gender, they can start to feel empowered and supported to talk about feelings that they might have about themselves. This is not a bad thing! If this happens:

Be kind and patient with them. Let them know you love them no matter what and will support them.
If they describe themselves using terminology that is unfamiliar to you, ask: “what does that word mean to you?”
Read Alien Nation with them and ask them if any of the words in the book describe how they feel. When it comes to words, be open-minded and let them lead. You don’t need to label them, but should support the labels they choose for themselves.
For children who are exploring their gender, let them lead when it comes to clothing, name, and pronouns. Don’t assume they will want to wear certain clothes for example. If you’re not sure, ask them what will make them feel comfortable and happy.
Let them know that it is OK if they aren’t certain yet and that it is also OK if they realise something different about themselves in the future.
Ask the child if they would like their school, teacher, or classmates to know what they have shared with you. If they would like to be known by a different name for example, this will require contact with their teacher.
If you would like more support, contact The Proud Trust.